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Hamish Ross

Hamish Ross

Who is Hamish Angus Ross?

Hamish was spawned up the hill from Loch Shiel in Gleann Fhionghain, in the Lochaber area of the Highlands of Scotland in 1973.

The eldest of five bairns, Hamish was schooled locally until he turned eleven. He was sent to board at Gordonstoun, Moray, Scotland. He excelled in Scottish, English, Truancy, Seamanship, Fist Fighting, and went on to complete his A levels in Classical Studies. Who would have thought?

Being far to clever for his own good, and trying to impress a lass in front of his cousin, Hamish decided to tell the entire bar that he was applying to join up as an Naval Officer now his schooling was over. He was bought drinks all night, with the lass leaving in a huff half way through the night after being either ignored or groped by him.

The following day, and with a hangover from his Mum’s house to Glasgow, phone calls started to come in congratulating him on joining up.

A stream of events unforeseen to Hamish followed.

1 – His mothers tears. She had lost a brother in the Falklands and she was not going to give up her eldest wee bairn to the Navy and some God foresaken life at sea;

2 – at exactly midday, strangely coinciding with opening, the pub rang to say they expected him in directly to settle the ‘mystery’ tab of £419 11S by evening;

3 – at 12.03, Hamish Angus Ross Snr., after learning from Mrs. Ross wee Hamish’s folly, walked into the lads bedroom, lifted him by the throat 6 inches from the floor with his gnarled, ginger haired left mitt; then knocked him down again with his equally enormous right mitt.

4 – x 3

5 – father picks up the now bleeding, and rather less tough, and completely less clever Hamish once more. Drags him out of his room, and throws him down the stairs. From there, father once more lifts him and throws him onto the tray of the Landrover, driving him to the pub, whereupon father then pays the tab for him, and tells him he expects the money back as soon as his first pay comes through. It is 1239.

6 – Mother arrives at pub at 2359, resplendent in dressing gown, nightie, slippers, and curlers. It takes three pub staff to lever father and son from said pub. Brawl starts between staff and both Hamish’s. Mother yells. Brawl stops mid punch. Pins could be heard dropping. Staff bodily lifts both men, and dumps them onto the tray of the Landrover untidily.

7 – Mother gets 11 year old sister to Hamish jnr. to drive the Landrover home, while she takes the family car on her own. 11 year has first ever drive of a manually geared motor vehicle. It is a long road home.

Two and a half months pass. Hamish passes Royal Naval Officer Selection Board, entering Britannia Royal Naval College (BRNC) in Dartmouth; the 6th of June, 1993.

To be continued.

Click on Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s musical score of his well known ‘Another one bites the dust. Seu Jorge – Queen Bitch will follow

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About Hamish Ross

Indie writing at its most dubious.

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Hamish Ross

Hamish Ross

Indie writing at its most dubious.

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