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Work in progress – first draft – mid twelfth chapter – ‘Bast’

Work in progress - first draft - mid twelfth chapter - 'Bast'

This is not particularly easy to read. Grammar, punctuation, spelling, and sentence structure is all over the shop.

This was started the other day, so now “Lay on, McDuff!”

– God, currently posted to “The Now – Arab Sector – 5000 to 500BC Common Deity Office”, staggered through the detritus of a party from the evening before. Fractured memories washed over him. Wearing only a pair of well worn, much loved undies, the sight of the lounge room sent a scant shiver up his spine as He vaguely recalled inviting the entire pub home after closing; horror struck as He recalled the fuzzy image of Mrs. God in her pink dressing gown meeting them at the door to the sound of drunken revelry. Apparently she had been sleeping?

Outside a bird chirped. Sneaking suspicions thumped Him between the eyes, alluding to the fact that the noisy bloody bird was probably an emissary from God, “Probation – Arab Sector – 100,000 to 100BC Water to Wine and Hangover Affairs Office”.

The bird, whilst deploying evil head splitting chirps soaring to what he guessed to be around 92dB, had strategically positioned itself on top of the wheelie bins near Gods driveway; offering a perfect position to send waves of sound at God’s front window. Window status – ‘Open’. Once inside, the sound now trapped indoors did its best to get out. It reverberated around the lounge, across the now cigarette and beer can littered dining table, over a recumbent post pub reveller (God, “The Now” – European & Near East Sector – 600 to 1900AD – Plagues, Pestilence, Poor Health Office”), via the ground floor toilet. Status – ‘Occupied’; (Goddess, “The Now – Greek Sector – 5000 to 1BC – War, Love, Lust, Seduction Office.”) unconscious, seated on toilet, skirt and undies on the floor, tangled around her left foot.

As far as unfair cacophonies insinuate their way through time, space, and craniums, this beastly sound moved in a fluid, cunning and wavy motion. The ‘chirp’ sped on, finding a possible escape route; the main passage to the master bedroom, via an open window. Bedroom status – “Occupied”; Mrs. God.

It struck her with the fury of God “Probation – Norse Sector – 1 to 1500AD Rape, Pillage, Plunder, and Burn Office”; she awoke in the manner of angry Mrs. God’s the polyheaven over.

Lying in wait, the now very awake Mrs. God remained in the soft folds of the marital bed; relishing the bollocking she was about to inflict, but waiting long enough to text Mrs. God “The Now – Christian Sector – 500BC to 1500AD Common Deity Office”, to bring her up to speed on the fun she was due to have. That done she had a quick look at DeityBook, allotting one or two pictures of cats; cats with not particularly humorous captions, but worth an ‘allot’ to everyone on her ‘really just acquaintances’ list. From there she went on ‘bleeter’, and ‘bleeted’ about the state of Gods House; with stele and poise, she rolled out of bed, and stalked after God. Mrs. God’s anger now honed to optimum levels for God bothering, and pain infliction.

To be continued, quite obviously.

Click on the lass with the cat ears.

About Hamish Ross

Indie writing at its most dubious.


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Hamish Ross

Hamish Ross

Indie writing at its most dubious.

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